The Pressure to Get Married in Your 20s

As a young Nigerian in your 20s, people asking if you are in a relationship is probably a question that you have heard so many times that you are tired of it.

When you're 22, it could be a joke. People begin to ask questions seriously around the age of 25. By 28, the inquiries might be more regular and all of a sudden, everybody has an opinion regarding whether you have a relationship or not.

While some are happily organizing their weddings in their 20's, others are busy at school, work, focused on  their financial situation, getting some personal development or just figuring out what they want out of life.

So, how are young Nigerians dealing with all this pressure?

When Are You Getting Married?

It often begins in the family.

Then you meet with auntie and after a few questions about school, the conversation somehow finds its way to marriage. It's sometimes joked about. Other times, it isn't.

Parents and elderly relatives might think that marriage is a logical progression from education and work. Asking about marriage can be out of a true concern for them.

You can get frustrated and irritated when someone keeps asking you the same question again and again, especially when you're already planning for your future. And sometimes, you may not even be dating anyone.

After Your Friends Start Getting Married

Then there's the pressure of watching others go on to the next chapter of their life. A friend falls in love, another gets married, while another person tells them that they are pregnant.

It's not long before your WhatsApp status is brimming with wedding images and engagement videos. Very easily, one is tempted to think: Am I a little behind? This feeling can be magnified on social media.

When you look around, people appear to be living their best lives. You witness the proposal, the pre-wedding photos and the bridal shower, along with the honeymoon. What you don't see are the challenging conversations, financially-related stressors, differences, and uncertainties that can be in the background.

However, it can be hard to recall when you're scrolling through your phone at 2 a.m., or when you're wondering why your own life doesn't look like that.

Some People Are Simply Not Ready

Some young Nigerians' answer is not that they do not want to marry. They just don't feel ready.

Marriage comes with responsibilities that go beyond wearing a nice outfit and taking beautiful wedding pictures. There are conversations about money, family, religion, children, careers, household responsibilities and where the couple wants to live and some young adults would prefer to take their time in knowing these things before committing to someone. 

But really, it's a hard choice to make when everyone around you is continually reminding you that you're old.

Women Often Feel the Pressure Differently

Often laden with the idea of age, fertility, and “not wasting time,” which is particularly crucial with regard to women, this can lead some women to feel they have a short time frame to find a husband.

The outcome is that a woman might start to question sensible decisions like remaining in an abusive relationship because she fears starting over, or accepting a proposal because she feels left out from the rest of the world.

Some Young Nigerians Are Learning to Ignore the Timeline

For many young people, the mindset is slowly changing. Instead of seeing marriage as something that must happen by a particular age, they're more accepting of the fact that everyone has their own timeline.

There is no single age at which everyone suddenly becomes ready for marriage. And being single at 26 does not mean that someone is doing life incorrectly.

“I Don’t Want to Marry Just to Say I’m Married”

This is becoming an increasingly common resolution among young adults. People are beginning to understand that getting married is not the same thing as having a successful marriage. Hence, compatibility is the focus of some young Nigerians.

They are interested in knowing if their partner shares their values. They wish to talk about money, religion, kids, jobs and family values prior to committing. To them, marrying by a certain age is important, but it's not everything.

Financial Stability Is Also Part of the Conversation

Some young Nigerians are also opting to wait because the reality of today’s economy means that getting married can feel like a major financial responsibility.

Expensive rent, transportation, food, school fees, business expenses and other day-to-day costs are all concerns for young adults.

For this reason some couples wish to become financially stable before they wed.

There isn't a time when you're "ready" for the financial aspects of life, of course. It just makes sense to want some sort of stability before adding more responsibilities.

So, How Can You Handle the Pressure?

The first thing to realize is that there will always be someone with a negative opinion of your life. If you marry young, a question you may be asked is when you plan to have children. If you have children, someone may ask when the next one is coming. If you focus on your career, someone may ask when you are settling down.

There is always another question.

Rather than letting each question dictate your answers, it can be helpful to know your true desires.

It is also possible to learn how to respond without the pressure of telling the whole story of one's life.